| My Grandma |
[30 Nov 2006|11:33pm] |
boy, its been a while.
So im in taiwan visiting my grandma who is not doing so well.
this brings up the concept of death and passing on. i want to know where shes going to go. i want to know that shes going to be happy. im buddhist, so of course i believe in reincarnation and all that stuff. my grandma is too so we have the same beliefs in what happens after this life. my problem is that i dont understand it as much as i would like. i dont really know how all this works and it scares me. im probably not really old enough to be really worried about death and the afterlife(s) but i find myself oddly terrified.
it comes down to this. we live this live. we have an attached karma. after we pass on this life we are judged and weighed based on our deeds in the past life and the pertinent karma. this leads to two separate paths, a path of reincarnation to this world to learn more and another chance to truly embrace what it means to live a good life and move onto the next. the other path is the path to nirvana. my understanding of nirvana isnt that it is a perfect world, but it is a world in which each and every person is not left wanting because by the time you reach nirvana you already know what you need to be happy.
that is my super basic and possibly flawed understanding of how it works. this means that i will eventually meet up with my grandma and anyone else who passes. thats definitely reassuring.
my sister on the other hand is mormon and has a very different but strangely similar view of how it works. she believes that when you die in this world, you pass into some sort of a spirit world where you await judgement. you live in the spirit world indefinitely but its appaerntly just another chance to embrace Jesus and God as your saviors. after the spirit world and eventually when you get judged you get sent to one of 4 places. The Outer Darkness (or the mormon concept of Hell), or one of the 3 places of Glory (i forgot what she called it). the three levels are sun, moon, and star and based on how good and how pure of a person you are the clsoer you get to live with GOd (the land of the sun), good people who never accept Jesus and God end up in the middle one (the land of the moon) and bad people end up in the land of the stars. the weird thing about this is that God will split up your family if youre not all Mormons. mormons can apparently baptize people after they are dead and your spirit in the spirit world is supposed to have the choice on whether or not to accept the baptism. but if you dont you are forced into separate levels of heaven in which only the ones above you can visit the ones below. so, if i don't get baptized now, i wont be able to see my sister unless she decides she wants to come see me. why would a God want to do that? that means there is the possibility that i could never see my grandma again if we get separated into different levels or whatever.
now that i think about it the concept of being able to 'see' someone who has passed is odd. is it just a reaction that we have so that we never have to lose? every religion ive ever learned about says that when you pass you go on to a better place, be it heaven, nirvana or whatever. so wouldnt it be better for us to just bid them adieu and wish them a happy next life in this better place? will they be able to truly enjoy thier next life if we try so hard to hold them here with us and not let them go? people always write about 'ill always be with you in your heart' but if they are going off to a better place, why make them stay with you?
im babbling now.
i dont understand.
im scared when i dont understand.
happy trails friends.
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| gmat |
[29 Oct 2005|04:37pm] |
so i havent posted in forever
works going well... keeping me really busy... im slated to take my GMAT on the 3rd. IT MAKES ME WANT TO FUCKING DIE.
ive never felt truely incapable of doing anything in my life. never have i worried about a test as much as i am right now. i need to do well. i need this. but i just cant fucking do it. GOD DAMNIT
im so frustrated. this will make or break my career. jesus let me do good on it.
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[18 Jun 2005|02:42am] |
everyones leaving
im feeling a lot more lonely that i figured i would
*sigh*
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| inspired |
[12 Jun 2005|03:22am] |
i graduated today. im stoked, but that isnt what this is about. its been a long long time since ive been happy, but today changed all that. today i was given two presents by three people that i care about deeply. one was from my sister and one was from my friends jess n jen. i can not begin to express how touched i was by the gift that jess n jen gave me. they told me that they had a present for me and that i shouldnt expect much because they were both poor college students. they handed me a little book, just a little black journal. i didn't know what it was but it had a little bookmark in it so i went to it and found a bookmark that said "I'm special". it was funny so i kinda laughed and then i noticed that the page infront of the bookmark had stuff glued to it. on the first page i found pictures of me and jess and jen with little notes all over. they told me that it was for me to write my poetry in. they said that it was just there for me to write my thoughts or whatever i wanted to in it. i wanted to cry. i dont know if you two read this, but if you do, i love you... so much... ill miss you both terribly.
my sister gave me another stunning present. i wasnt really expecting much because shes on her mission and doesnt have any money, but her present was the real kicker. my sister is really artsy and made me a little scrap book with all of these pictures of me and her from since we were babies to when i was at her graduation last year. She filled it with all of these quotes and "inspire her in her life" and i was taken aback... im gunna share them with you, because it applies to everyone out there, and not just me...
the greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches but to reveal him to his own
- benjamin disraeli
the most wasted day of all is that on which we have not laughed
-e.e. cummings
great spirits have always encountered violent oppression from mediocre minds
-albert einstein
keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadows
-helen keller
darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that
-dr. martin luther king jr.
to know someone here or there with whom you can feel there is an understanding in spite of disntances or thoughts unexpressed - that can make this life a garden
-unknown
everytime you smile at someone it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing
-mother teresa
if more of us valued food and cheer above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world
-j.r.r. tolkien
we gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop and look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot
-eleanor roosevelt
when we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow string in the contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure
-peter marshall
nothing is too wonderful to be true
-michael faraday
we cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh
-agnes repplier
do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail
-ralph waldo emerson
our deepest fear is not that we are inadequite. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. it is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. we ask ourselves, who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? actually, who are you not to be? you are a child of GOd. your playing small does not serve the world. there is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people wont feel insecure around you. we are all meant to shine, as children do. we were born to make manifest the Glory of God that is within us. it is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others
-nelson mandela
to see the world in a grain of sand and heaven in a wild flower, hold infinity in the palm of your hand and eternity in an hour.
-william blake
there is joy in transecending self to serve others
-mother teresa
to watch us dance is to hear our hearts speak
-derek 'suwaima' davis
we are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can fly only by embracing each other
-lucian de crescenzo
for a long time it seemed to me that life was about to being - real life. but there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be serves, a debt to be paid. at last it dawned on me that theres obstacles were my life. this perspective has helped me to see there is no away to happiness. happiness is the way. so treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. happiness is a journey, not a destination.
-souza
the heart is happiest when it beats for others
-unknown
there is no distance too great between friends, for love gives wings to the heart
-unknown
the road will never swallow you. the river of your destiny will always overcome evil. may you understand your fate. suffering will never destroy you, but it will make you stronger. success will never confuse you or scatter your spirit, but will make you fly higher into the good sunlight. your life will always surprise you.
-ben okri
yea thats all of them... i know theres a lot, so if you didnt get this far, whatever.
im happy. im so happy. today was easily one of the best days of my life.
i love life.
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[11 May 2005|04:56pm] |
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Assume a virtue if you have it not. That monster, custom, who all sense doth eat Of habits evil, is angel yet in this, That to the use of actions fair and good He likewise gives a frock or livery That aptly is put on. Refrain tonight, And that shall lend a kind of easiness To the next abstinence, the next more easy; For use almost can change the stamp of nature, And either [lodge] the devil or throw him out With wonderous potency.
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[02 May 2005|01:16am] |
Give me the strength to change what I can,
The forbearance to accept what I can’t,
And the Wisdom to know the difference
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| hi |
[02 May 2005|12:11am] |
so hi
its been a while
i had this conversation with one of my friends the other night. we talked about all sorts of stuff and i exposed a lot of myself to her without even really thinking about it. we talked a lot about confidence and suicide and other such depressing topics. i was actually really surprised at the amount of stuff i devulged to her, but for some reason she made me feel comfortable with letting her know. anyways none of this really matters i guess. i kept telling her that you can never sit there and think shitty things about yourself. that you should never try to become what others want of you because they should really just accept who you are. dont change because you think its cooler or better, change because there is confict within yourself that you need to settle.
this said, i came to the realization today that i am a hypocrite. i try so hard to convince myself and everyone around me that i am this stong individual who can weather any storm and who can just take it all and shrug it off. i tell people that they need to be strong for themselves and that no one should be afraid to be who they are because it shouldnt matter to anyone else. all of this is really easy to say and ive even managed to pretend that ive pulled it off quite well. in fact my entire life is like one big lie. i always lie to myself to convince myself that i am infact a capable person and that i have a reason for existing. i refer to people as wastes of genetic material and i also inform people that they suck at life. this is mainly in jest but recently, well just today really, i realized that im the one that really just sucks at life.
being me sucks
i hope to god thats not true
so i draw my strength from those around me and i guess i dont have anyone to draw my strength from at school. i havent felt that i could rely on someone in a long long time. i havent felt that i could talk to someone in an even longer time. there are all of these people that i tell myself that i could talk to if i needed to, lindesy, whalen, jimmy, meg, maybe christine, youll notice that theyre all my best friends from high school. in reality i havent talked to any of them about anything significant for a long long time. i havent written anything in an ever longer time because i cant motivate myself to do it. i need to feel conected to someone, to anyone in order to be happy. it just seems to me that everyone is moving on with their lives and im slowly drowning myself in my depression, pathetic antisocialism and down right lame games. it amuses me to no end that ive managed to open up completely to a girl that ive never met and only know because she was a friend of a friend. that ive managed to sink so low into myself that i hid so completely from everyone around me and needed to have a stranger show me everything that ive been doing wrong with my life appals me. no matter what all you fucks say and how amusing you find it im glad i met her and im glad that ive found someone that i feel safe talking to.
i guess this is so depressing because of all of the weird things that i talked about with her. i started worrying about her and i honestly felt upset that there was nothing that i could do to help bring her out of her rut. but for the first time in a long time i felt something more than just blah. ive been so apathetic with life that it was okay for me to just sit in my room and drown amongst the pixels that crawled over my screen. nothing makes me happy, nothing stimulates my curiosity, nothing motivates me in life. i had become numb to the world and was slowly receding into myself and disappearing from the world. i miss being happy. i miss being sad. i miss living life to its fullest and enjoying myself while i do it. and o god i miss being loved.
i really do miss being happy
god i just want to cry...
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| Girls |
[06 Apr 2005|05:23pm] |
So girls, Ive come to realize that i am way too protective of them. not just the ones that i date or the ones that i like, just all of the ones that are my friends. i came to the conclusion today that i may be a little too protective. i believe that all of my friends are very capable people and will probably end up doing something with themselves, but at the same time i tend to look down on those that excessively party. i dont know why i do this. i think it comes from the fact that all my friends come tell me about all these sleezy ass guys at the bars and at their parties. they like get molested and hit on and they dont like it, yet they continue going back as often as possible. my friend said that maybe its because they really like the attention, but thats kinda sad to me. yes i love attention, no i nearly as much of it as a hot girl flaunting herself at a bar, but im pretty sure that im decent enough looking that if i tried i could make girls pay attention to me. this being said, we all know i dont, and that i just sit around and play games and generally waste my life at all possible opportunities.
im also starting to come to the conclusion that its all these assholes at bars who have no sense of morality that end up with all of the girls that i try to woe through my less than drunken demonstrations of interest and poetry. this makes me a really good friend to girls, but nothing else. im like that gay friend that all girls want to have around to talk to about shit... but really... im so not. i guess im at a loss, because i dont know where things changed. Jimmy calls me prolific because of my 4 less than chaste years of high school, and now im just another nerd who dreams about hot girls and wonders why he cant get them.
there is no point to this rant... i just needed to say something. =) on a plus note, i found a poem by shakespeare that defines me and the way that i admire people. read it and get some culture in you.... =P
As an unperfect actor on the stage,
Who with his fear is put besides his part,
Or some fierce thing replete with too much rage,
Whose strength's abundance weakens his own heart;
So I, for fear of trust, forget to say
The perfect Ceremony of love's rite,
And in mine own love's strength seem to decay,
O'ercharged with burden of mine owns love's might.
O, let my books be then the eloquence
And dumb presagers of my speaking breast,
Who plead for love, and look for recompense,
More than that tongue that more hath more expressed.
O, learn to read what silent love hath writ:
To hear with eyes belongs to love's fine wit.
have a good one...
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| Yea, I robbed it too..... |
[25 Mar 2005|07:30pm] |
David:
Your world, good or bad, revolves around your family.(I guess?) You are determined and loyal, and your word is your bond.(Yea, pretty much) You have much enthusiasm with a driving attitude toward achievement in life.(hah... id like to achieve, but i dont know if i have much drive to do it...) You can easily detach from people and situations.(oh like a mother fucker) You enjoy unconventional friends.(haha, most def) You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. There is a need to learn to evaluate family ties properly.
Ngai Kurng:
You tend to be critical of yourself, not always expressing your true desires.(maybe?) You have an interest in health and health matters. You are a hard worker when you make up your mind to do a job.(for sure) You have a need to be up front.(and boy does it get me in trouble) You need to learn to give and receive love for love's sake. You have a need to be assured of affection.(call me a wuss...) You have good recuperative abilities.(uhm huh?) You are determined. You are soft-hearted with a charitable nature.(I really am a big wuss... despite what all you assholes out there might think) You enjoy a challenge.(sometimes i guess) You can take thought-directed actions. You must learn to give 'wise' service and not be a martyr.(i dunno how true that is... but who knows, i guess iwouldnt know if i was martyring myself anyways) You need to learn proper evaluation of labor and work. You can be either a compulsive worker or a professional loafer.(hella)
Ho:
You are an 11th hour person, always succeeding just in the nick of time.(hahah! o for sure) The lesson of money is prominent in your life.(yea... well, yea thats all i have to say) You have a great deal of loyalty to those you love.(i thought we covered that one already) You have much inner strength.(horray for me!)
I guess i agree with most of it. I guess thats what barnum statements are for anyways... =) hope all is well with everyone whos reading this. happy spring break!
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[21 Feb 2005|11:26pm] |
so i just wrote this, well kinda just... i dunno if i mean it, but it just kinda came out, and i gave it to her. I gave up on it a long time ago, but it just came back and it came out. i dont know what im doing.
From the day that i met you
until the end of my days
i will always know you
as the one that got away
the way your smile shines
and the way your eyes glitter
inspire dreams where youre mine
where all things good wont wither
i live inside a dream
where ill always be with you
and while i know its but a dream
i can live the dream with you
*sigh*
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[24 Dec 2004|08:21pm] |
1. Reply to this post, because I would like to say a couple words about you.
2. I will also tell you what song(s) remind me of you when I hear it.
3. I will also tell you what celebrity/public person you remind me of, either personality-wise or looks-wise.
4. I will also give ONE WORD that I associate with you when I think of you.
5. We all could use a boost now and then, so steal this for your journal and make someone else's day as well.
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| unhappy |
[12 Nov 2004|01:57am] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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music |
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beatles - let it be |
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so im unhappy. its not that im just like not having fun with life, which im not, but i am really truely unhappy with my existence. i wanted so much more out of life. i wanted to be so much. yea im still young, but who gives a fuck. young doesnt mean anything if i dont do anything with it. i want to be able to blame something. i want to be able to say, "hey look, im unhappy with my life because this is happening" but i cant. im just depressed. i dont know why i am, i just am and i have been for a lot longer than i want to be. honestly, i hate life. i dont want to die or anything drastic, and im definitely not suicidal, but i just hate it. sure im full of hate and lots of things piss me off, but thats just the way things are. nothing has gone right for me in years. never has anything ive asked for or wished for or dreamed for happened. margo told me that she rarely sees me laugh of smile, i guess thats a lot more true than i would like to admit. it probably has a lot to do with the fact that im not happy. go go circular logic. i dont know what i want to say. i dont even know what im saying. im just writing and its just coming out. i miss not being lonely. it seems that no matter what i do i always always feel so alone. surrounded by friends and doing what we all do together i still feel isolated and shut out. maybe im just still self concious and maybe i just still worry too much about what people think about me. but we all know that thats not true. i couldnt really care less. i am who i am and thats what makes me unhappy. it has nothing to do with anything other than that. yea im a pessimist. this is kind of a quandry because i like who i am. the catch is that i really really enjoy being me. i know all of my little nuances and all my little quirks and they make me me. i would hate to be someone else. i just want to be me, but i want so desperately to be accepted and acknowledged. maybe im just too gushy and sensitive. maybe i need to just suck it up and go party like a frat boy. go club and have sex with people i dont want to be having sex with. go make a general nusance of myself and pretend to be cool. i guess im just a big baby. i guess its true what joel always says, i need a hug. heh that kinda dimishes everything im feeling right now, but it sums it up kinda nicely. i need to feel safe. thats what it is. i need to feel safe and i dont anymore. i can be strong for other people but i can only pretend to be strong for myself.
when i find myself in times of trouble
mother mary comes to me
speaking words of wisdom
let it be
and in my hour of darkness
she is standing right in front of me
speaking words of wisdom
let it be
and when the broken hearted people
living in the world agree
there will be an answer
let it be
for though they may be parted
there is still a chance that they will see
there will be an answer
let it be
and when the night is cloudy
there is still a light that shines on me
shine until tomorrow
let it be
i wake up to the sound of music
mother mary comes to me
speaking words of wisdom
let it be
there will be an answer
let it be
that is all.
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[30 Oct 2004|01:56am] |
oh god i miss you
i love you so much
please...
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[07 Oct 2004|12:06am] |
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o hookah, how ive missed you
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[04 Oct 2004|10:05pm] |
sooooooooo
im really fucking stressed
i didnt think looking for a job after school would be this stressful, but lemme tell ya... im feelin it. im like shaking and i cant think straight. FUCK. just let tomorrow come and be gone. please dont let me fuck up. please let me leave a good impression. please please please.
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| Dear you, |
[16 Sep 2004|09:37am] |
Never tell me that you're opinion was or is better than mine. If you were right, and I was wrong, then well, you were right and I was wrong. That should pretty much be the end of the story. It was my mistake to make. You had absolutely nothing to do with that process and the only reason you even know about it is because I was worried that if things went the way that I thought they were going to, you might have a problem. There was a reason, and apparently a good reason, that I did not approach you about this. You might not like her. You might even hate her, but she is still my friend and I will stand up for her even against another friend.
I really dont care how right you were about her and i REALLY dont care about how your opinion of her was "better" than mine. You might think shes better than Jess, and I know you're right. She hurt me, Jess didnt. If you dont like her, go ahead and dont like her. Don't you dare sit there and try and tell me who I should or should not try to date/like/be friends with. That is not your place and honestly I did not think our friendship was anywhere near that stage. There are maybe three people whos opinions of my friends matter to me. Lindesy, Jimmy and my mom. You're still a friend, but do NOT presume to be able to tell me who my friends should be based entirely off of your biased view of the situation.
I never had a problem with you, and I dont have a problem with you now. But my mistakes are mine to make, my life is mine to live and if you presume to tell me who I am allowed to deal with again, we are going to have serious issues.
That is all,
Dave
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[08 Sep 2004|04:54pm] |
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mood |
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 fuck shit damn |
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SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!@!$#@!!$!$!%!%!@@!!!!
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[29 Aug 2004|02:48pm] |
philosophical religious crisis
if youre religious talk to me
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| rant o rific |
[27 Aug 2004|09:44am] |
so yesterday as im busy dying because i od'ed on caffine, (don't ask) my friend ims me and is all "depressed much". this kinda took me by surprise because i didnt think i was all that depressed, but seeing as how this is like the second post ive done in a week.... something must be wrong with me. so then i start thinkin. and between my conversations with the toilet until 3am, i come up with this:
as the moon burns in the night
i lose myself in the stars
envelloped by the darkness
i finally feel at peace
crushed by the weight of my life
and buried by confusion
my only escape is the night
where i get lost in my dreams
where i can explore my mind
and let all my dreams come true
but the sun will always rise
and burn my dreams from my eyes
now i dont really like that one, or the other one i wrote:
if im always strong for someone else
who will be there to be strong for me
if i take your pain onto myself
what happens when my shoulders crumble
i know my family will stand strong
and that my friends willl lend their strength
but what happens if they never know
what if it all happens in my head
what if i cant stop the avalance
and lose myself within its rapids
if i lose the fight within my mind
who then can help me save my soul
so they both suck, but they kinda get across what im feeling i guess. who knows. im sure ill work it out eventually. life goes on eh?
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